How do you know that there is division in your marriage? What is the true danger in a divided marriage? If you or your spouse are saying things like “we are so far apart on this,” “we share nothing in common,” “we never see eye to eye,” “we disagree about everything,” and “I can’t stand it when he/she does that,” or “she/he is getting on my last nerve,” then there is a good chance there is division in your marriage. Division is like a wedge that starts out very small and seemingly insignificant. You don’t pay much attention to how small it is when it starts, but then before you know it the wedge becomes bigger and bigger until it has become a powerful force, powerful enough to separate what used to be whole into two halves.
For a long time in our marriage, my wife and I felt we were united, but when it came down to it, I was pursuing an individual path while we were supposed to be pursuing a common goal in the marriage. I still felt that I could do a lot of things without consulting her because I was the man, and I learnt very fast that a marriage can never be happy when the two (Head and Neck) are divided.
“If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand.” Mark 3:25
Let me give you a typical scenario of what would happen in our home. There’s been a disagreement and somehow it became major. The intensity continued to rise until it was out of control. Both of us have fired shots in a brutal battle. Amidst the smoke and destruction, she has now retreated to the bedroom leaving me standing in the kitchen or the living room. It’s amazing how lonely your own home can become. It hurts and it won’t stop hurting until it’s resolved, but every inch of your body screams out, “I’m not going there.” I wont apologize, in fact I need her to apologize first. All you want to do is grab a blanket and pillow and sleep on the couch. That’s the easiest thing. Unfortunately, the easiest thing is not always the right thing, particularly when it comes to marriage.
You see, as men, we are taught that winning is the most important thing. Our definition of winning normally entails imposing our will by scoring more points or convincing someone to do it our way. In marriage, the definition of winning is to be more intimate with our spouse. It means our wives are made to feel secure, cared for, listened to, and valued. Win your wife, not the argument. It was easier to go out of our way to do that when we were dating our wives, but the rubber really meets the road in marriage. The depth of your love for your wife is not defined when everything is great, but when you pursue her in the midst of great difficulty. Go to her now because if either one of you falls asleep without communicating remorse, everyone loses.
MANY marriages have collapsed and families affected because of lack of unity.We need to understand that what goes on in a marriage is what goes on in the family. Marriage is the foundation relationship of the family. When marriages are sick, the family is sick. If we want to fix the family in this generation, we ought to first fix the relationship that founded that family. To create nations that would steward His creation, God made men, male and female and brought them together in marriage and said: “For this reason, a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh,” Genesis 2:24.
There are three processes in this verse, but am interested in the last two — leave and cleave (joined).These underline the unity that must be in a marriage. It means one coming out of the protective custody of your parents and joining with your wife so you can become one-flesh. One flesh is the final product of marriage and it must be accomplished through unity that the world cannot explain.In that unity, the couple is to achieve the mandate of God for every marriage.
Remember, it takes two to create a conflict. Whether you want to admit it or not, you have committed some wrong in the dispute. Maybe you are wrong 10% and they are 90% wrong. Take responsibility for your 10% before you ever ask them to take responsibility for their 90%. When anger is given permission to stay for the night, it has a tremendous opportunity to grow into bitterness. While the disagreement might need to be addressed in the morning, anger should be addressed now. Remember Ephesians 4:27 says“Be angry, yet do not sin.” Do not let the sun set upon your anger, and do not give the devil a foothold.” Put your swords away and forgive one another. Remain united always and shame the devil
God in His three state nature, is a united entity and He expects us in marriage to be as united so we can bring about His nature and enjoy His blessing.The enemy envied the unity in marriage and then sought to destroy it.Remember that at the fall, after the devil had interfered with this divine unity in marriage, husband and wife started blaming each other and they could no longer carry out the assignment of God. From there on marriages and families began to suffer. When the enemy steals unity in your marriage, he has tampered with the flow of the blessing in your marriage. He has tampered with the core of your marriage.
The unity that unlocks the blessing and brings to pass the mandate of God is when you are in one accord, united in mind and emotions, united in purpose and in everything you are doing. Many couples are pulling apart in their souls and spirit realms. They sleep together, but going different directions. They never agree on anything. In fact, they never consult each other.They do as they please. In this manner, whatever they do does not succeed.This is exactly what the enemy wants to see. When we operate like this our marriages are never fruitful and our families suffer serious and ungodly lack. Marriage is exposed when there is no unity of purpose. When my wife and I were not united, we did not achieve much. We spent the better part of our days keeping malice or quarreling and as a result we did not achieve any major milestones together.
No marriage can work without unity. Amos 3:3 asks “can two walk together except they agree? The obvious answer is ‘NO’. Marriage is a journey not a destination. It consists of two differing personalities (male and female) who, most of the time, have different orientations and backgrounds.
These people will certainly need the force of unity for them to stay together as husband and wife. Marriage is far beyond co-habiting. It means to be physically, spiritually, financially, sexually, materially, in fact, “all-roundly” united. Eph 5:24 says “Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything”. Therefore, it will be practically impossible for two people to exist in this manner except they are united. We secure divine presence when we live in unity as seen in Acts 2:1-3. God’s presence can’t thrive in an atmosphere of discord. It’s important to realize that marriage is a celebration of unity: the unity between a man and a woman who have pledged oneself to the other in love, and the unity between Jesus Christ and his church. We get this idea from Ephesians 5:31-32.. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[c] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.
Wilbert Frank Chaniwa