I nearly lost my marriage. Not because i didnt love my wife, but the dynamics of life took the driving seat of our marriage and was taking us to a destination called divorce. I was wondering how we got to a point where sometimes we felt we hated each other. It is thus my PRIMARY calling from God to ensure that i share the general challenges that i faced in my own marriage and break down how we can overcome these challenges in order to preserve Gods institution of family which is fast becoming extinct.
As we went through out marriage, i found that my expectations and my wifes expectations were not communicated clearly and at times were not in sync. Most marriages fail due to the unrealistic expectations and fantasies. Movies and Social media play a vital role in this part; a couple tends to expect something superficial in a relationship while watching a movie. But, when the actual result is different from the desired effect causes disappointments, resentments, regrets, and fights. Constant frustration leads to aggression and compassion, love and attachment tend to die. It is essential to understand that the fantasy world is a myth and learn to accept the reality to save the marriage.
As i struggled to pursue life tasks and day to day responsibilities, especially with children, Time seemed to be shrinking by the day. To grow a marriage into a happy one, it requires time and effort. But, finding time from your daily chores and keeping the spark alive is the real challenge. This is why marriages end up in divorces, “we” become “you” and “me,” priorities change and no time to spend with each other. Lack of time management skills kills the spark alive, bring boredom in relationship and happiness vanishes.
There was a traditional saying, “Pamper a man’s self-respect and take care of female emotions.” For the times, it meant for a happy and stable relationship, it is important to pamper your man’s self-respect and make your women happy by keeping a check on her emotional needs. But, with advancements in lifestyles, people are becoming ego-centric, selfish and rude leading to conflicts and divorce. Men and women are becoming incapable of handling each other’s emotions, and the ego is killing the relationships.
But, do you know the internet is causing divorces as well? How? The usage of internet is increasing day by day; social media is the first thing a person checks in the morning and the last thing before sleeping. This virtual world of technology is the main reason behind distances. People prefer using their Smartphones, updating on social media instead of talking to the person sitting next to them. The illusion created by the internet is creating problems, distances and resentments among couples which in turn make marriages fail. Once one is focused on these computers and smart phones, there is no focus and attention on the partner and that directly or indirectly creates distance.
Money money money. Gone are the days when a person used to feel satisfied by fulfilling their basic needs, now is the time to show-off and set a standard. Check what the neighbor or a former school friend has and compare it to what you currently enjoy or not. But, what about the time when financial issues arise? The economy is ever-changing and dynamic, one day you are rich, and the next day you might have trouble. When financial issues arise, it creates tension and anxiety directly affecting personal and sexual life in a relationship.
As Men, Most of the time, our partners want us to listen. They want us to understand. They want to be held, emotionally and maybe physically. But our selfish need to be competent and to add value gets in the way of your need to be seen. So instead of offering our empathetic ear, we offer advice. Then, a part of you feels offended or frustrated because you don’t want to be patronized, you want to be heard.
And when you express that frustration, we get upset because we don’t know what you want. We think, “I don’t know how to make you feel better,” or “I don’t know what I should do with what you’re telling me.” So we carry on feeling powerless and dejected.
And that failure is excruciating. Especially if, at the same time, we’re holding onto work or other personal failures. If, in addition to work, we can’t figure out how we’re supposed to act as husbands or fathers, we’re utterly devastated and ashamed. So we go inward and internalize. To you, this may look like apathy or callousness.
Our whole lives, we’ve been taught that our value comes from what we produce, not who we are. The subtle, insidious problem here is that we struggle to have a strong sense of self-worth without accomplishing something. So the idea of just sitting and listening is so outside our worldview, that it takes a lot of time for us to learn that we can still feel competent by just being. Try not to get too frustrated.
It takes practice.
Men often make the misguided decision that what women want is a super-nice man who helps, gives and accommodates, and they truly believe that life will be more peaceful if they let the woman have her way. But all you have to do to find out what makes a woman hot under the collar is to pick up any romance novel and read about the hero – he’s always a sexually passionate man who is kind, but strong. He is wildly attracted to his woman, he takes charge, knows what he wants, is determined, action-oriented, always has a plan, and will go to the end of the earth and slay dragons to show his love for and protect his lady. His woman feels totally adored, cherished and safe by his side. This, at the end of the day, is a slightly exaggerated version of what most women want in a man.
While men got softer in order to help around the house and to avoid being a dominating chauvinist, women got tougher in order to get ahead in their careers, and neither was aware of how important it was not to lose their natural male and female energy once back at home. Men also failed to learn that on one end of the spectrum there is a wimp or a pleaser, and on the other end is the dominating chauvinist- too many chose to be the wimp thinking it was the right thing to do. However, what women long for and need is the man in the middle who is strong, action-oriented, passionate, take-charge, considerate and kind.
In the world where nothing lasts, marriages are going wrong, take the lead, and come out of all the myths to save your relationship from getting toxic.
Will Frank – @ariseinchrist