Conflicts are inevitable,  Arguing is a choice. 

​In life and especially in marriages,  Conflicts are inevitable. However Arguing is a choice.

My wife and I  are very different in the we do things. She tends to be more vocal and I tend to be a  bit more reserved.  It should never be expected that two people should be exactly the same or share the same opinions.Conflicts grow out of our uniqueness. The goal of conflict resolution is not to rid ourselves of our differences. The goal is to learn to work together as a team, using differences to make life better for both of us.

But for some couples and I can confess that even in my own marriage , conflicts lead to arguments and arguments often get out of control. Instead of finding solutions, they create new problems. At some point in our marriage I said to myself , “I will just do whatever she wants because I’m tired of arguing.” Obviously, this approach won’t lead to an authentic relationship.

Arguments quickly become charged with emotion. Probably because of things that happened in the past that one will quickly refer to in an argument.  You may end up yelling or screaming or crying; spouting out words that assassinate your mate’s character; questioning his or her  motives; and condemning his or her behavior as unloving, unkind, and undisciplined.

It’s easy to consider fighting to be a “little” sin in a world where sexual immorality and violence run rampant. But perhaps God doesn’t see it that way.

“You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that he jealously longs for the spirit he has caused to dwell in us. James 4:4-5 NIV

Seems like James changed the subject from fighting to being worldly, but did he really? Or isn’t fighting an attitude that comes from worldly thinking? Earlier in the same letter, James tells us that the wisdom from God is peaceable and that wisdom from the world causes disorder (James 3:14-18).

The Only remedy to eliminating a quarrelsome marriage or relationships  is to lean on guidance from God using His word. Maintain an attitude of personal humility when disagreements arise.

Submit yourself to God. James 4:7

Maintain a heart of submission to the Lord by leaning into the Holy Spirit for guidance (including correction) when disagreements arise.

Resist the devil and he will flee from you. James 4:7

 Be aware of the enemy’s schemes when you enter a disagreement.  Ever watch a disagreement spiral into something you never imagined? I know I have in my own marriage, and it’s very dangerous and anything can happen. Anger is an emotion that needs a combat plan to avoid sinning when angry as it is quite a volatile emotion. Scripture warns that the enemy roams about like a lion, seeking those he may devour (1 Peter 5:8). Predators always look for the weakling at the end of the pack. In our spiritual lives, the enemy looks for the doors and windows that are loose, broken or weak. Fighting, anger (Ephesians 4:26-27) ,unforgiveness (2 Corinthians 2:10-11) and distrust, are all relationship issues that fly red signal flags catching the enemy’s attention. My relationship with my wife was riddled with these kind of issues and the enemy used the front and the backdoor to try to scatter our marriage. But we just had to use the Armour of God to “resist” the devil and his ways. It’s not easy,  but it can be done. That’s the only way.  Difference in opinion and conflict in issues may arise,  but arguing and fighting in anger is a choice. 

Be vigilant. Let God’s word lead your steps

Wilbert Frank Chaniwa – @wilbertfc

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